Late last night on our way home following the Memorial service for my father and mother which i had organized, some hidden obstruction material embedded in the exit ramp slashed both of my right tires. We were returning from what had transpired to be a moving and fulfilling day. I was set to resume my painting and try again to center myself having fulfilled my obligations to my siblings and family.
My car is my only independence. Once again I feel so punished. How does one get past this?
Turn around, away from the computer screen, count your blessings (we are all OK) and pick up the paint brush. I’ll try to post some studies of mergansers ASAP.
Our souls are autonomous; expressed perhaps through our physical being and reflected in our relationships with others but they are independent of us or…well we really don’t know do we? So when one dies what happens to their soul? Where does it go and what does it do? Is it dependent on time at all? Or is only its expression dependent on time?
The idea of soul is a beautiful thing and one which can give great solace or great pain. I happen to believe that we each do have souls. I believe that because how else can I explain the extrasensory perception I have experienced and that has been confirmed from time to time to be absolutely real in time. There has to be a ‘me’ external of my physical being for those things to have occurred.
When a loved one dies each of us may say, “May her Soul rest in peace”, and each will have their own reality in mind. The soul of the departed will be as it will. Let us wish it well and filled with happiness, and contentment wherever it may be.
And so I wish contentment for my mother, Jeanne Robert Ott Saunders who physically left us a little after 1:30 this beautiful summer afternoon, August 11, 2017. She opened her eyes briefly for my husband, Jamie, and died peacefully shortly thereafter. She was at home where she wanted to be under my sister, Erika’s care. She got to see and be with all her children during her last few days. She would have celebrated her 99th Birthday in a week on August 25th.
May her soul rest in Peace-the peace of our love for her-that connection we have had and continue to have with her somewhere in time. And may it bring us peace, contentment, and happiness to know she is there. I’d like to think she has finally joined our father, Norman, and is also with her father, “Daddy Roar”. Her real presence is missed by all of us. It has been a long good-bye following a vibrant life.
Jeanne at Leland house 2016. “Consider the lilies how they grow… And yet i say… Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed as one of these.” She loved the simple beauty of the natural world, the beauty of music, art, poetry, and most of all dance.
Depression can take a terrible tole on one’s life and on ones loved ones too. The last post i made included a painting of a nuthatch in our red-bud. I actually had begun this painting almost 2 years ago and was only recently able to return to it and finish it by painting in the tree branches. For over a year i have struggled to return to the intense happiness that painting used to bring. i don’t know yet where my story will end but i can say that it is so important to have people who care and believe in you. If you know of someone suffering from depression don’t give up on them.
For me a turning point surely occurred when I discovered this early photo of me on the breakfast table a few weeks ago.
It was snapped while I was out sketching on the hillside behind the trailer we used to live in up in Vermont. With the photo was just a little note in my husbands hand,”I’d like this person back.” It makes all the difference to know someone cares. He loves the artist in me, and knowing that is so important to me.
I am working on finding and reconstructing her. it may take a while but I’ll do my best. If I post less frequently its because I only want to post solid accomplishments: paintings i feel good about. In the mean time I continue to avidly read your posts and deeply appreciate your comments. Keep up the good camaraderie and enjoy your work! And, please don’t forget to look for mine rare though it may be!
I shall repeat this poem of Rumi’s from my last post. For me it speaks volumes.
Tonight I am exhausted but glad. I was able to take my Mother out for lunch. This entailed 6 hours of driving (3 out and 3 back) and 4 of visiting plus enlisting my sister and a helper to get mom in and out of the car and into the restaurant safely (she is plucky but 98 is getting on). We did it successfully and it made a very special day for her and for all of us.
i also brought along some of the Holling Clancy Holling books and she enjoyed looking at those again and making up stories to go with them (she is wonderfully inventive). So I didn’t paint today but never-the-less had a very fulfilling day. And it is heart warming to see that she enjoys having my paintings hung in her room.
To R- for setting me on the path to begin the journey to self awareness through the practice of yoga and for getting me out of doors just to be alive to the beauty around me.
Walking and Hiking get me closer to nature and i find inspiration and solace there. My heart fills with gratitude.
The practice of yoga is gradually giving me freedom to once again move from a secure center both physically and mentally. This journey now begun will never end. I know there will be interruptions and set backs but i will always be grateful for the gift.
-And for reconnecting me to my family in a positive way. One which allows me to return to these stories from my childhood with fond memories-
Maybe I’ll even paint that wave-
For now I am listening to and loving some piano music (Rachmaninoff’s 1st piano concerto) and accepting who i am.
Today is a special one for me; today my son, our son, is 39 years old. On vacation in Arizona with his little family of three he is celebrating being the father of two little girls, the husband of one wonderful woman, a productive member of the engineering group he is working for, and the happy associations he has kept from his former career as a professional world-class ballet dancer. Am i happy for him-you bet!
but life is a twinkling, a rare and fine thing. So today, my friends, what will you do to keep it aloft and moving softly and well?
I am off for my morning walk, then Yoga class, and at last more painting-waves again today.I’ll post again this evening. the flood gates of thought are open and i promise a watercolor study or two.
“There were many nice moments today…”(Feb.17th, 2016)
and again today in 2017
One of which was making these four little watercolor sketches.
Just 6”x8” they were done on a cheap page of Canson w/c paper which I chopped up. I choose Daniel Smith Prussian blue, Raw Sienna, and Quinacridone gold, and Holbein Vermilion Hue, plus Greenish yellow for no reason that I can think of except i love meadow colors.
Looking at these uploads i realize all the photos are out of focus but I’ve no time to correct that now. Anyway they give the idea and that’s enough.
I had fun with the colors and the wet surfaces playing with my Chinese brushes. I am wicked grateful for all the wonderful inspiration and support I’ve been getting-thank you all dear readers!!!
Now I’m off to bed as tomorrow I’ll be on the road to visit my Mother (98yrs old) in assisted living. I hope I can keep my mind steady for 5 plus hours of driving by myself. And that I can bring a cheerful me to her giving her a fulfilling but not overwhelming visit and a bit of happiness. It is a lot of driving for a very short visit but short is all she can manage now.
This morning my friend and i completed our morning walk amazed at how different things appeared less than 24 hours since our last walk simply because the light was so different.
i would love to create a little slide show from our walk and will try to figure out how to do so but for now here are two little sketches; one from today and one from yesterday. They are both interesting in that they are painted on very inexpensive Canson sketchbook paper using Chinese brushes.
There is so much more i need to do. However, i spent all of yesterday on things related to the house and my family and this afternoon in the ceramics studio gamely setting up a new slab with colored slips to try once more to create a large “painted” platter. I figure I’ll do better this time having learned from my mistakes. I’m wearing too many hats and missing awareness of what i really care about. The silence is absolute,and crippling.
We each must do our best with the opportunities we are given even when they seem beyond us. And we can choose those friends who help us realize the best that we can become. i live through hope and faith in those friends. Knowing they are there gives me courage to address a home of 21 rooms and 7 generations of accumulated stuff…
Here is an Advent calendar of Esperanza that i made some years back for our children. And, yes! it has 21 rooms, a barn, 2 guest cottages, and 2 garden sheds all packed to overflowing and, and, and….
I know I can,
I don’t know how
To write the Poem
That is Now.
You’re in it
That I’m sure.
It’s just you’re not
An easy aperture
Of flesh and blood
And touchable sense;
But more a Dream
Of unshakable permanence-
Whirling in my mind
Directing every Attitude
That shapes my course
In unending Gratitude.
I don’t know how.
I can, you’ll see
Live the life
You wished for me:
To put my mark
upon this Place
and do it all
with simple Grace.
Angel in the dust
for my readers who can’t know all the particulars i will have to spend less time painting and posting to this blog in order to make more time for the house but i won’t disappear. I’ll still be here and listening-
Working in another world-painting on an old “canvas”,
Another kind of painting in which I had the pleasure to participate involves using a 3” brush and no color mixing-no chance for “mud”-no use of expressive brushwork- In fact the smoother and flatter it is the better.
We are restoring one of the bedrooms in the family home. We had a wonderful artist re-plaster the ceiling and now we are working at saving the wallpaper (c 1888) and have repainted the floor. Now if only I had the $$$$ I would have the original oil paintings conserved as well before they are re-hung but this is a do it-yourself restoration and we will have to be content with what we can manage on our own.